Rantings of A Mad Lady Wolf

 It was definitely a weirdly simpler time back then for me - Gaia Online, MSN messanger chats with freinds, having my AOL account decked out with Shippo(u) from Inuyasha. I was still able to communicate with a world I was probably too young for. But I can say it prepared me in some way for the future that is today. I just wish I knew what investing was back then so I could make BANK on youtube stocks.

I sit in front of the computer like an idle game. I refresh, I scour, I search and I double check. I stay vigilant for as long as the mind wills in each search refresh but I feel like nothing changes. It seems like I'm just waiting again for another shot to prove I'm capable (again).  I fear I'm spreading myself thin as I stick to this remote job grind. Am I missing my chances when I sleep? When I grow bored of the same companies mass-spamming their bot-made applications, do I not notice the gems of potentials hidden in between? Do I miss out when I click apply to one that is actually fake but GOOGLE AI didn't detect it? Is there a chance gone with every revision of my resume? Do I keep trying when each one that left me hopeful and wanting to wait a pain-staking WEEK maximum to see it if -- "That's it, folks! We've got an INTERVIEW! Now's a chance to put our foot in the door!" I've been plugging away actively and inactively since 2017, with one...

  Oh my goodness, how quickly we can realize how tiny, tiny, tiny our world is! [On my mama, on my hood...] I literally had my world ripped wide open to reveal the eldritch horrors that mammy and pappy told you to NEVER look back at if you valued what shrapnel of reality you even had left! I keep forgetting how nasty, how repugnant, and how much scum buildup has been in the pipes. The problem's BEEN in the air ducts, guys. The CEMENT. FOUNDATION. IS. INFECTED. The walls are laced to the CEILING and the ROOF IS ON FIRE!!! I DON'T THINK YOU GET IT! A REAL SPETACULAR SHIT SHOW! WE HAVE TO EVACUATE! I got to talk to these people. I got to hear their agony. I got to write til my hands cramp, making these papers and hieroglyphics and anagrams all make fuggin' SENSE to the grand SCHEME! The priiiiize to keep your eyes on! We work for setbacks, we keep running TOWARDS setbacks. We. Leap. Into. TURMOIL and expect there to be sunbeams and unicorn cupcakes! Or at least a decent macchi...

  I tend to have ideas for random videos such as these, I think I'll try to post the ones I like-more on my blog so it has a place to stay rather than in the Dementia-inducing clutter that is my Google Photos.

 It's my day off. It's another day off. I did my time, I said my pieces. Cut off the mic, get me out  of here. I've typed for your cause, I've ached for your cause. I'm actually, factually THERE for your cause. I like the underdogs, those not cheered for in the back or front -- -- But you know good and damn well they did their job. Oh, I did my job too! I'm free, I'm free, I'm free! It's only at the cost of my expenses. No big deal. It's only at the cost of my sanity as I drag through the rubbish that is my sanity. That is a double entendre, just FYI should you can't keep up. Oh, I can't keep up either -- where my mind's going It wanders away as the tickets alt +F4 (Fact check me if I'm wrong, although I'm pretty sure...) I had the door closed but now it's open to the emptiness. Is it lack of thought or just too much? Too much to unwind - that's mania, you see - too much ennui that makes a teenager sickened with your p...

  It takes a lot to create life. It takes a little to damage it. I jokingly state that I've given birth to the avatar and it's partially true. Each child I have had has a different element in their western zodiac signs - Air, Earth, Water, then Fire. I suffered my first child loss at 27, our first born was just a year old at the time. Did I know I was expecting that soon after? Yes. I wasn't prepared, but I am always willing to give life a chance. And we did, we did try and it was what caused us to have our little Taurus so soon before she was ready. Maybe she was ready, maybe not. I don't make the last word in stuff like that. It was really a blow to the gut then too since I was always told to follow your instincts on things like these, and I did. But I was told  that my instinct was inaccurate according to medical guesses when I went to the prenatal emergency room section for this very circumstance. I felt something was wrong, something felt like it was... Gone, and g...

Stagnancy. It's what destroys. Those who hold the ability to help others and willfully keep that gift to themselves is one thing. It's when those who have that mindset decide to take on a position of power and willfully gatekeep resources from those who need it that  stagnancy develops. Case in point - if you see me out trying my hardest to achieve a goal, and you have access to the resources I could use to make that progress - and I ask for just info - then if you chose to withhold for reasons of self-preservation or otherwise congrats! You're causing the stagnancy!  I say this to be as honest as I can: If you can help, why not help? If you can help, why gatekeep? In this particular part of the SC that I live in it has a well-appreciated moniker of "Crabs in a Bucket" mentality. Why? Because when you go blue crabbing in any location, you don't use anything fancy to keep your fishy catch. And when your catch can scuttle, where do you put it? In a bucket, of co...

  Peopling. What is it even. Why do we have to do it? Is it because we're still innately pack/herd animals that just need to know we exist by confirming with another sentient, similar life being? Is it because we know it's a means to an end when there's a need needing to be met? Is it from sheer boredom in an otherwise neutrally peaceful life should you just choose to go off the grid and hermit out. I mean, if you have the money (or, not-money?) to do it in the first place. Either way, it's an odd experience to me, and I wonder how it works for others too. Even though I was around a lot of different people and their different peopling traits, I still always found it awkward to try and "assimilate," er, I mean... "Fit in." I am weird. I am weird, and I am different. I can get along with nearly anybody, and yet I always felt so uneasy when even a part of a person seemed to counteract things I could see as "good" in my life. And yet, I still t...

I want to start my blog with something that I've been battling with since the dawn of time - no chicken, no egg. It's actually about bipolar disorder and my own personal journey with it. I grew up as an only child in the 90's, but I didn't get the lavish moon shoes and crystal Pepsi life. My grandmother is the one who raised me, and she worked at a bank counting literal billions only to come home with hundreds-and-change. Did I have it rough? Not more than some. My issues were mainly upstairs - my one solace from the world of confusing emotions and forced people encounters. Years of formulating things on my own that most folks would have done so with family or regular interaction was lost to me. I learned it with others, of course - I wasn't a recluse. I was, and still am, a very weird individual with my own hodgepodge of friends and non-blood family members. I didn't know however, until my late 20's that I was also battling with Bipolar Disorder, and not a ...